You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
