Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
