oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
