The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
