well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
