Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
