Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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