Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
