I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
