My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
