I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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