Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You may now shotgun with the bride
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
