Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
