Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
