we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
