The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
