It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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