i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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