He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
