U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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