her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
