Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
