We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
