HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
