Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
