my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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