oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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