Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
