I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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