On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
