ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
