The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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