my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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