I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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