I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
