A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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