I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
