yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
