Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
