Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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