On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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