if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
