This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
