I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
