i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
