3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
