Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
