You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
