you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
