Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
